


Suffering Together

by Emory7Claire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 15:35:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6121139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emory7Claire/pseuds/Emory7Claire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the confession of Dean and Cas's love happened early on in season 9? This is a take on that idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffering Together

The diner that Dean sits in is empty aside from an elderly lesbian couple sharing a stack of pancakes in their travel clothes and a pair of truckers that look just as tired as he feels. He’s slumped in the corner booth in the back of the place, sipping one a.m. coffee with deep bags under his eyes. He hasn’t slept properly in three days; since his confrontation with Cain. Thank God it’s impossible to fuck up a waffle.

Being around Sam for days has been hard. Dean’s brother has been keeping an all-too-close eye on him, probably because of the Mark. He’s locked himself in his room as much as he can, trying to avoid those worrying stares. Suddenly, the memories are too much and the booth too empty. It nags at his side like a persistent itch.

Dean sighs back into the leather seat and closes his eyes. “Cas? Have you got a second?”

Wings flap and a body settles into the booth seat across the table.

“Hello, Dean,” the angel’s familiar voice utters softly. “Are you alright? You don’t look well.”

“I haven’t slept in a few days,” Dean opens his eyes on the angel. Cas looks a little more rumpled than usual, his hair mussed up cutely. “Also, my head is pounding like a jackhammer.”

Cas reaches for his arm and the instant his hand settles on Dean’s skin, the pain and exhaustion are gone.

“Thanks, Cas,” the hunter says. “But you really don’t have to do that all the time.”

“I hate seeing you in pain,” Cas responds, as if it’s the simplest thing in the world. “I want to be useful in every way that I can.”

Dean blinks a few times. “Useful?”

Cas nods.

The hunter shifts his weight in the booth. “You don’t need to be useful, Cas. That’s not how your worth is measured. You honestly feel that way?”

Cas lowers his gaze for a moment before looking up again and responding. “Can I be honest with you?”

Dean swallows, but still he nods.

“As an angel, I was trained under the belief that one’s worth came from how useful they were to the cause in their garrison. When I met you, I found worth somewhere else- in the care you had for me. I did terrible things, and yet you still found me worthy of your friendship. I came to understand that everyone is worthy…” Cas trails off, turning to look out the dark window. When he continues, his voice is strained and quiet. “Yet, sometimes… I still feel used. You call me when it’s useful to you, never because you’re worried or because you care about me. I ran with the angel tablet to keep you safe from Naomi and the angels. I didn’t want them to use you to get to me, and yet when I came back, you didn’t even give me a chance to explain… like I wasn’t worth your time…”

Dean stares, waiting for the angel to continue. When he doesn’t, the hunter swallows a sob. “How long have you felt like this?”

Cas shrugs. “The feeling comes and goes.”

“Cas.” The angel turns to look at Dean and almost reels at the sadness in his eyes. “Listen to me.” He leans forward, getting into his lecture stance. “I regret all the times we’ve taken advantage of you. I’ve recognized it so many times and yet, I always passed it off as giving you a chance to help because you love to so much. There have been so many times when I should have called you to make sure you were okay, to talk about anything, just to catch up and keep you up to speed on what’s going on. You’re my best friend, my family, and there is no excuse to treating you the way I have.” Dean reaches out and clasps Cas’s hand firmly in his. “I have treated you unfairly and I am so sorry. I’m going to make it up to you, I promise.”

Cas nods, smiling up at him.

Dean pulls his hand away from Cas’s, no matter how much he wants to keep it there, a blush creeping up his neck. “Sorry… about that…”

“Dean,” Cas grabs his hand back, locking their fingers together. “As long as we’re confessing things, there’s something I want to say.”

Dean’s eyes soften. He knows exactly what the angel is going to say, and he doesn’t know if he can say it back.

“I-I love you, Dean Winchester,” Cas says. “I’ve loved you ever since you handed me that jacket and told me you always knew I’d come back. Ever since you forgave me for all the terrible things I did, I knew I would always love you.”

Dean is silent as the held back tears begin to flow down his cheeks. Cas casts his eyes down, pulling his hand away in shame, but the hunter scrambles to keep their fingers twined together. They lock eyes, and Cas can’t keep himself from standing up and moving to sit beside Dean, never letting go of his hunter’s hand. Their faces come together, so close that they breathe each other’s sobs.

“You’re the first person who’s said that to me and meant it.” Dean says just inches from Cas’s lips.

“You’re the only person I ever want to say it to,” the angel murmurs.

Dean smiles. “I wish I could say it back.”

“You don’t have to until you’re ready.”

“But I want to, Cas.” Dean’s head falls to rest in the crook of his angel’s neck. “I want to tell you how damn lucky I am to have you. I want you to know how fucking unworthy I am of you. I want to be able to tell you how wonderful you make me feel. The way you look at me, how we talk, how you always listen when I need someone to confide in.”

He turns his head, kissing the base of Cas’s neck. “I want to tell you how adorable you are.” Dean moves higher up the angel’s throat, kissing the skin there. “I want you to know how painful it has always been to lose you.” Another kiss, this one pressed to Cas’s adam’s apple. “And how happy I am when you come back to me.” Cas tilts his head, leaning into the feeling of Dean’s lips on his jugular.

“I want you to know how beautiful you are.” His kiss falls to the angel’s jaw.

“I want to tell you everything that I’ve been hiding for years.” Cheekbone. Cas’s eyes have fluttered closed.

“I want you to to know how much I miss you when you’re gone.” Just shy of Cas’s lips.

“I want to be yours forever.”

Castiel can’t tell who moves, but it doesn’t matter because in an instant, the hunter and the angel have their lips on each other. Hands cup cheeks and twine around waists, and there are butterflies in stomachs but it doesn’t compare to the choruses of ‘finally’ trumpeting through their chests. Cas never wants to stop, but Dean has to pull away so he can breathe. They collide again, like lightning striking the earth or an arrow meeting its target. It’s several full minutes before they break away and press their foreheads together.

“Cas,” Dean whispers, the name holy on his lips. “I don’t want to go back to the Bunker.”

“Okay.” Cas presses a chaste kiss to his lips.

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Always.”

They don’t let go of each other, even when undressing and getting into the motel bed. Cas watches his hunter sleep, Dean’s body cradled against his angel’s and head resting on his shoulder.

 

The next time Dean calls Cas, it’s because he misses the taste of his lips. Cas stays the night in the Bunker, wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist as he makes breakfast the next morning. Sam cocks a smile, snapping a picture to send to Charlie.

 

When Sam and Dean visit the rebel angel HQ, no one can stop the hunter from scooping Cas up into his arms and kissing him for a full minute.

The moment Hannah presses the blade into Cas’s hand, tears stream down his cheeks. Dean holds him close, running a hand through his dark hair as the angels leave.

 

Every demon and angel, including Lucifer and Michael chained in the Cage, can hear Castiel’s agony when Dean Winchester is killed.

 

Hannah doesn’t say a word on the drive to the Bunker, the cold determination in Castiel’s eyes making her afraid to even breathe. She knows he will do anything to save the demon he will never stop loving.

 

Cas stands outside the cell door while Sam sticks Dean with human blood. He downs a shot of whiskey every time he hears his love scream.

 

The night Dean is cured, Cas holds him like he did the first time, close and cradled. They hardly sleep that night, too busy kissing and, in Cas’s case, muttering sweet nothings in every language known to man or God.

 

Sitting in the diner while looking for Claire, it’s hard for Dean to get out the words he needs to say.

“If I do go Darkside, you gotta take me out.”

Cas’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

“Knife me, smite me, throw me into the fucking sun,” Dean explains. “I can’t go down that road again. I can’t be that _thing_ again.”

“You won’t.” Cas takes Dean’s hands into his own. “I promise you that we will fix this. We’ll find a way to get rid of the Mark and deal with the consequences together. I will not lose you again.”

They rarely stop holding hands the rest of the day.

 

Not a week later, Dean forces Cas to dance to Taylor Swift with him. The playlist the hunter compiled is a mashup of weak dance mixes and slow love songs. It gives Cas several too many opportunities to dip Dean and kiss him deep and slow, so the angel doesn’t have very much to complain about.

 

When Dean falls into his brother’s arms after fighting Cain, Cas has to restrain himself from taking his love and holding him until his tears dry.

The angel follows Dean to their room and gets his wish. He doesn’t let go of his hunter until Dean’s sobs still and his shaky voice stops reciting all the things Cain had said.

“It’s okay, Dean.” Cas presses a kiss into his hair. “I promised you it wouldn’t happen and it won’t. We’re going to fix this together.”

Dean huffs a laugh. “That’s a line right out of a rom com, Cas.”

“I don’t care.” The angel holds him closer. “I mean it.”

“I know. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want you to let me go.”

 

When Charlie is murdered, Cas stands in the doorway with eyes narrowed at the monster his Dean has become. He stops the hunter before he can leave. Staring into the bloodstained face, eyes lifeless, Cas’s heart breaks.

"I made you a promise and I plan on keeping it." The angel's voice is stern. "I will not stand by and watch you murder the world while there is still a chance that we can get rid of the Mark." Cas takes Dean's hands, holding the bloody palms up. "You did not want this. I promised you that this wouldn't happen, and I failed you. There's nothing I can do to bring Charlie back, but I can do something to stop the grief from getting worse. Which is why I won't let you walk out of this room."

The first blow leaves the angel in shock. The second forces his arms up to protect himself. The third has him weeping.

Dean beats him bloody, and as the hunter aims the blade at his chest, Cas takes hold of the hand around his neck and chokes out his lover's name. Dean freezes.

"Please." Cas's gurgled voice is desperate. "Please, Dean, stop. I love you."

They're the words Dean couldn't say as Naomi forced his angel to beat him. It's what his voice refused to say in Purgatory, or when Cas was allied against Raphael with Crowley. He couldn't even muster the words when the angel first said them to him. There have been so many lost moments that this past year has hardly made up for. The words cause something to snap, and Dean drops the knife. He stands and leaves without a word.

Cas doesn't move or stop crying until Sam finds him hours later.

 

When Cas calls Dean, Rowena's spell eating away at his sanity, the first words out of his mouth are, "I love you."

Dean breathes a sigh, of relief or sadness he'll never know. "Cas! Cas, baby, what happened? Where are you?"

"Dean, did the spell work? Is the Mark gone?"

"Dammit, Cas, who gives a shit? Where-"

"Dean." Cas's voice is insistent. "Please."

"...yes, Cas. It's gone."

"Thank God..."

"Cas?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"I love you too."

 

When Dean finds Cas with his hands wrapped around a woman's throat, he calls out to his love. "Cas!"

The angel's bloodshot eyes glower at him, angry and hateful.

"Let her go, Cas," Dean holds up surrendered hands, taking slow steps forward. "This isn't you, it's the spell. You can fight this!"

Those eyes stare at him, and slowly, Cas lets the girl go. The second she turns the corner, the angel's fist connects with Dean's face. He grabs Dean's collar and throws him against the chain-link fence. Dean is powerless to stop the angel until Rowena's voice barks across the room.

Dean catches Cas as he falls, wrapping his arms around the angel as he shakes with intense spasms. When he stills, Dean cups Cas's cheeks and hold his face up to look at him. When Cas opens his eyes, they're still bloodshot but the anger is gone. There's exhaustion and- when his gaze meets Dean's- love. The angel mumbles his hunter's name, and Dean responds with his lips. Despite his weariness, Cas kisses him back with everything he is.

It's their first kiss untainted by curses or spells. For the first time, it's purely them.

 

In the Cage, Dean and Cas save each other from Lucifer countless times. As the Devil leans over to kill the angel and Castiel gives his answer, the desperate voice of his lover can be heard screaming, "Get away from him you son of a bitch!" Then, everything goes white.

 

"So," Sam begins. "Was Cas your darkest desire?"

"No." Dean turns to his brother. "It was Amara. And before you say anything-" Sam closes his mouth. "-Cas could never be my darkest desire. He's my brightest love."

"Wow." Sam looks back at his computer. "Are we hunting or have we been transported to a rom com?"

"Shut up, bitch."

"Jerk."

 

Lucifer has an interesting time when he's called to transport Dean back in time. The hunter leans in to kiss him, and he's pleasantly surprised. The kiss is deeper than the one Dean gave him last time and deep inside the vessel, Castiel is blazing with anger.

When Lucifer holds Dean against the wall of the Bunker, Castiel is screaming at him to stop, using every bit of his leftover grace to try and fight his bonds. As the Devil runs at the love of his life, Castiel's fury jump-starts his grace and Lucifer disappears in a flash of light.

Dean doesn't leave his room for several days afterwards, taking that time to down three bottles of whiskey and cry himself to dehydration. There is only one thought that his grieving mind can settle on:

He is going to get his Castiel back no matter who he has to kill.


End file.
